Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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