Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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