My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
