Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
