how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
