Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
