god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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