he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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