I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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