I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
