was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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