I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
