Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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