Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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