I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
