I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
