I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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