I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The uberlube is also flammable
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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