i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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