I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Randomize
