She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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