My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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