she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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