Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
