what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
