There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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