Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
