i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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