I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It's shark week go big or go home
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
