***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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