He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Drake has all the answers
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
