hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
