There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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