I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize