she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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