he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
