I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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