im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
