Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I think pants incapable of making pants work
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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