My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
as a side note pls kill me
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