i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize
