So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
