I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
