I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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