We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
