he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
