I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
