She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
my poor anus
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
