Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
