I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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