There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
