I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
