I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
