If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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