They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
