I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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