After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You did what with his pubic hair?
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