So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
you're hired as official boob wrangler
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
