Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
