No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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