great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
